Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Let Go!

I know how much I can afford to pay for rent. So, why did I look at a house that is WAY out of my range tonight? Did I REALLY think I wouldn't like it and I would suddenly say, "Oh yay! I must want a smaller, cheaper house to live in!" But, no. I loved it.

It was a single family home that was probably 4 times the size of my current place, had two full baths, 4 bedrooms, a washer/dryer on the main floor, a fenced in yard, tons of storage, etc, etc, etc. And, when the realtor said, "And the price doesn't scare you...?" why didn't I say, "Well, actually, it is a bit out of my range. Is the owner at all flexible on the price?" But, no. I suddenly become Paris Hilton.

"No, no," I said. "It's fine."

Fine????? The whole point of this move is to improve my financial situation and the children's lives by moving to a neighborhood, getting them separate bedrooms, being closer to work, living near church in a good school district, living on public transportation, etc, etc, etc. Would renting myself into bankruptcy improve our lives?????

I came to this realization rather quickly...on my drive home from the expensive house. And, when I got home, I checked Craigslist and saw another house in Milton that IS in my price range, is closer to public transportation, sounds like it's just as big as the one I saw today, and a for-rent-by-owner rather than through a realtor. I called and gave the owner my name and number. She will call me to schedule a time--hopefully over the weekend.

This is a good lesson for me. I didn't sign a lease but I did tell the realtor that I was interested and wanted her to ask the landlord some questions. And, now, because of my impulsive and people-pleasing behavior, I have to send a very embarrassing email saying that, "Yes, in fact, it is too expensive and I'm going to wait until I find the right house in my price range."
I have got to trust the Universe more. I let stuff go (like where I'm gonna live, how I should respond to certain situations, etc.) and try to believe and trust that if I do the work I'm supposed to do (research, etc.), I will be led where I'm supposed to go as long as I listen to my gut and pay attention to the answers around me. Then, I get scared and start taking it all back and thinking I need to make everything happen the way I want it to...in MY time. I forget that I always, always, always end up ok.
This morning, I heard someone on NPR tell the following story...more or less--I'm paraphrasing. It may have been the Pope or the Cardinal of New York--it was some Catholic priestly type.)

A guy falls off a cliff and, on the way down the side of the mountain, he's able to grab onto a branch. He hangs there, terrified that he will fall to his death. He starts calling out for help: "Is anybody up there?"

In response, he hears a booming, Charlton-Hedson-type voice answer: "Let go of the branch," says the voice.

The man pauses and then yells again: "Is there anyone else up there?"
My Higher Power is not a male deity with the voice of an actor turned second-amendment spokesman, but I got a lot out of this story anyway. When I'm fearful, it's hard for me to trust...the Universe and myself. Who knows? Perhaps this guy would have let go and landed on a big cushy mattress that was laying on the ledge under his branch, just inches away from his dangling feet.

I am not hanging off the side of a mountain. I am just trying to choose a place to live. I don't think I have gotten through everything I have had to experience in my life to be dropped on my head while apartment hunting.

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