Itchy Feet

Ok. I once had numb feet for a couple of weeks. I believe it was after my dad died so I assumed it was an MS symptom brought on by stress. I'm not feeling any more stressed out than usual now but I seem to have itchy feet. Not to be gross or anything, but there is no rash or fungus or anything surface going on. It feels like a subcutaneous precursor to the numb feet which kind of sucks.

I've been chosen to be one of the paid MS video bloggers for this new pharma company website that will not require me to pimp myself for any particular drug. It's kind of exciting. Just waiting for the contract and then a camera crew will show up at my house to get me set up and shoot the first few blog posts. I hope the itchy feet will not be too distracting to them or to me. I once had a boss that picked her toes during meetings in her office. It was really rather gross. I wonder if I can find a way to surreptitiously scratch my feet during the video shoot. A sisal rug maybe?

Yet Another Reason Not to Smoke

I quit smoking about 12 years ago. I have not had a single puff of a single cigarette during that time but that does not mean I have not wanted to. Many times, I've walked by someone smoking, inhaled the smoke and thought, "Mmmmmm." To a non smoker that may sound strange but nicotine is the most addictive substance I've every used. (And I've used plenty, believe you me.)

My father quit smoking at the same time as I did but the damage had already been done. Watching him die from emphysema and struggling for each breath definitely removed any residual cravings for cigarettes.

Just in case that craving returns, I now have another reason not to smoke. According to this article, smoking can quicken the progression of MS.

Post Solumedtrol Rant

I slept 8 hours Friday night and 12 hours Saturday night and I think I'm sane again....well, relatively. My thoughts are a LITTLE more organized and I'm no longer in danger of buying an exercise stripper pole I saw advertised on an infomercial at 3am or dying my hair purple. Now if only I could stay focused on editing my book and writing the proposal.

Random Thoughts from Solumedtrol Insomnia

• I almost said something when a woman ahead of me at the store purchased cigarettes for more than $8 a pack with a credit card. I am SO lucky I do not smoke anymore. If I did smoke, I would probably be sitting in the dark.
• On my train ride home from the MS clinic, there was a woman dressed sort of like wonder woman but she was not in costume. She had red cowboy boots on, a royal blue, flouncy mini skirt, and a tight white tank top. She was probably at least 5' 11". As I heard Roseanne say once, "She was so sexy that I got a boner." The guys around us on the train had trouble pretending to keep reading their Metros.
• Why do I like to cook but hate to clean?
• Why did my town DPW department take the garbage from my 40-gallon barrel for a solid year but today they left my two measly garbage bags behind with a sticker saying that I had an "improper trash container?"
• If I plant a tree in a memory ceremony for my dad, would it be inappropriate to sing Jim Croce's "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown?"
• To paraphrase Paula Poundstone from the This American Life podcast I listened to on the train, "Why was no one suspicious about Bernie Madoff. With that name, no wonder he made off with everyone's money? Would you go to a counselor named Dr. Cantkeepasecret?"
• I think I've already asked this elsewhere in this blog, but I do have a brain disease, after all: Why do people who could possibly have trouble speaking have a disease that is as difficult to pronounce as Multiple Sclerosis? It's just mean. If it was just called Many Scars, that would be much easier to say.
• You know the voluptuous young, barely legal women on the late night sex chat commercials? Do the men who call REALLY think they are talking to those women? And what about the women that call? Do women call?
• How can I be tired and wired at the same time with absolutely no desire to clean the house or do work writing?
• Do Swedes furnish their homes with Ikea decor more often than Americans?
• Will I get tired soon?
  
  

I'm Being Infused with Energy...and Solumedrol

I'm at the MS Center for my monthly infusion of Solumedrol. I am actually a week late and I can really feel the difference with my fatigue. I have been literally falling asleep at my computer the last several days after inadvertently blowing off my appointment last week. More incentive to remember appointments. I'm thinking I need to win the lottery so I can hire a professional organizer to help me remember appointments...and pay bills.

The MS Center understands when you forget an appointment--after all, MS is a disease of the BRAIN. The gas company, however, is not quite so understanding. Although I had plenty of money in my bank account, apparently I am long overdue on paying my bill and received a shut-off notice today. I called up to pay the bill over the phone and learned that I had lost this privilege because it was SO overdue. Then, when I tried to pay online, I was told that I would have to wait 7-10 days until my checking account was validated. The customer service person I spoke with was no help whatsoever and could not guarantee that it would not be shut off this evening. My only option is to go to one of the in-person payment sites, which I guess I will have to do. I'm not sure when, though, and I'm thinking I can get by without natural gas coming into my house for a few days.

Uh-oh. I just remembered that I invited a friend over for dinner tonight and, you guessed it, I have a gas stove. Hmmmm. Maybe I can make chicken on the George Forman Grill and pay the bill tomorrow? I'm not TRYING to be a scofflaw but I will be hooked up to the IV until 4:30 and then I have to take the train home which takes about an hour.

When these kinds of things happen, I feel like a total LOSER. I am 45 years old, work a full-time job that pays a living wage, and my gas may be shut off.

I need a professional organizer to help me figure out how to do this stuff regularly, consistently, and on time. Maybe I can barter my marketing/PR writing skills in exchange for some sessions. Hmmmm. Ok. This is one of those "this is not the least bit inspirational it's just me bitching and moaning and updating my status" kind of posts. Forgive me.

Rebif Rebellion

I haven't given myself my Rebif injection in about two weeks. I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps, since I'm consciously trying NOT to engage in my typical rebellious activities while I'm working on my Fourth Step, I've decided that medical rebellion is the way to go. I'm not escaping with dating, sex, or relationships; not completely out of control with food; no recreational drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes; not spending excessively; so why not neglect my MS drugs. Hmmmm.

Apparently, I'm done with this latest demonstration of my rebellious nature since I'm telling on myself in my blog. When I start confessing, it means I'm getting ready to cut the shit.

A Celebratory Weekend

Yesterday was my 45th birthday. The kids and I celebrated by taking every single mode of public transportation possible (trains, trolleys, buses, a water taxi, and two ferries) to two of the Boston Harbor Islands and going to see the movie Up. It was a wonderful day, the kids' whining was minimal, the weather was beautiful, and my energy was good. I went to bed early the night before and dreamt about not being able to walk. I'm very grateful it was only an MS nightmare and that we made it back to Boston proper before the rains arrived.

Today is my ex-husband's wedding day. Our marriage began with an elopement the day before my 34th birthday. Apparently, he likes June weddings. Today's wedding actually has guests and I certainly hope it lasts. Truly. Our marriage produced two great kids but, otherwise, it sucked. I really need to believe that there is someone for everyone. If the ex found true love forever, that must mean that I can, too.

Since the kids are at the wedding and my invitation must have been lost in the mail, I decided to have a celebration of my own. I'm having a few friends over this evening for a Not-My-Wedding-Day-Belated-Birthday Party. We will all dress in ugly wedding attire and play board games. That seems about right, don't you think?

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P.S. I still don't have any good photos of our Not My Wedding Belated Birthday Party attire but we looked pretty awesome and had a blast. There was tacky polyester and taffeta, lots of cleavage, snacks, Scrabble, a mini marathon of Weeds (which had to be written by someone who used to smoke a lot of pot but doesn't anymore), and, thanks to Nancy, a yummy penis cake, complete with chocolate sprinkled testicles. I hope someone has the photo of me blowing out the candles on this cake. :-)
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Asking for Help

I do not like to ask for help. I'm not sure if it's the idea that people may say "no" or that the helper will view me as helpless. Either way, I know it's a bunch of crap. I know that when I have the opportunity to give help to someone, it feels good. I also know that NO ONE can do it all alone...with or without MS.

“The strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul.”

~ Rona Barret

“The glad hand is all right in sunshine, but it's the helping hand on a dark day that folks remember to the end of time.”

~ Amadeo Giannini

“Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, 'What's in it for me?'”

~Brian Tracy

“Help thy brother's boat across, and Lo! Thine own has reached the shore”

~ Hindu Proverb

“I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said, 'There's nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself.' He said, 'Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that that would help.' So I sat with him a while then I asked him how he felt. He said, 'I think I'm cured.'”

~ Conor Oberst

“To help all created things, that is the measure of all our responsibility; to be helped by all, that is the measure of our hope.”

~ Gerald Vann

“There is no more noble occupation in the world than to assist another human being - to help someone succeed.”

~ Alan Loy McGinnis

“You need to be aware of what others are doing, applaud their efforts, acknowledge their successes, and encourage them in their pursuits. When we all help one another, everybody wins.”

Jim Stovall

“Nothing brings me more happiness than trying to help the most vulnerable people in society. It is a goal and an essential part of my life - a kind of destiny. Whoever is in distress can call on me. I will come running wherever they are.”

~ Princess Diana

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else.”

~ Charles Dickens

“The glad hand is all right in sunshine, but it's the helping hand on a dark day that folks remember to the end of time.”

~ Amadeo Giannini

This video made me sob out loud with a running nose!

It also made me incredibly grateful and strengthened my belief that attitude is EVERYTHING.

Zane's Birthday

Today is Zane's birthday. We had our breakfast cupcakes and presents before his dad picked the kids up for the weekend.  My former preemie, born at 28 weeks and just 2 lbs. 13 oz., is 6 years old. Although everything beyond breathing still seems like a bonus, he is so very much more than that. He is smart, has big brown eyes with lashes to die for, has a scientist's curiosity about the world, loves dancing, pepperoni, and reading, and hugs all his friends.

Zane will grow up with a lot of stuff on his plate. He is a child of divorce being raised by a single mom who has Multiple Sclerosis. Doesn't that sound like the background of a future President, Olympic athlete, or Nobel Prize winner? :-)

Happy Birthday, Zane.

Another Mother and Daughter

I just read that my fellow MS blogger, Sherry, lost her daughter yesterday. My heart breaks for any parent that loses a child but learning of this news on my own daughter's birthday makes it somehow even sadder. It is against the natural order of things for a parent to outlive a child. I hope that you will all join me in remembering Sherry and her family in your prayers/meditation/thoughts as they navigate this incredible loss.

Happy Birthday Ruby!

I am now the parent of a double digit midget. That is not a slur against a little person. My former co-workers will attest to the fact that I NEVER use the word "midget" and will correct anyone who does. Today, though, I must. My daughter, who, at 5 ft. 1 inch and counting, is definitely NOT a little person, is now 10 years old. A decade. Double digits.

It seems like just yesterday that I was waddling around work, in labor without realizing it. When my midwife told me that the numbness in my thighs and the waves of discomfort in my belly were common signs of labor, I called the ex who came to get me at work. We went to the midwife's office and she said I was already 4 -5 cm dilated and I needed to get to the hospital. I insisted that we stop at home first because I wanted to pick up my Counting Crows CDs, cooler full of ice pops, and change my earrings--things that SO did not matter a few hours later.

We got to the hospital at around 5pm and, at 9:34pm, I pushed three times and out came Ruby Grace--my beautiful baby girl.

Just yesterday but also a lifetime ago. It's hard to remember my life before Ruby. I've been through a lot as her mommy--my hospitalization and the birth of Zane, divorce, MS diagnosis, my dad dying, just to name a few. Through it all, my love for Ruby has been constant and grows daily. She makes me want to be a better woman. Thanks for being born, Ruby. Thanks, Universe, for entrusting me with this special gift.

Wants and Needs After 2:00 A.M.

I need to pray and meditate every day, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I also feel better when I am connected to the Universe throughout my day and trying to be focus on what's best for me and not just what I want.

I need to exercise every day, even if it's just walking for 30 minutes.

I want to go to four meetings a week.

I need to talk to someone else in recovery every day, especially the days I can't get to a meeting.

I need to keep up with the request system at work so I am getting "credit" for all my work.

I need to do less Facebook Wordscraper during my work day.

I want to blog 3-5 times per week.

I want to work on my book every day.

I want to work on my 4th step every day until I finish it.

I need to remember to take all my medications as and when prescribed, including vitamins.

I need to remember that on solumedrol infusion days like today, I really should not drink any caffeine in the afternoon or I will have trouble falling asleep...as I am now at 2:15 a.m.

I need to drink more water.

I need to call my sponsor a couple times a week, even when I'm not sure what I have to talk about.

I want to go to a meeting with her once a week.

I want to find a new counselor/therapist/social worker.

I want to plan a service or some kind of something to mark the passing of my dad. My grief group members and others will attend even if my family does not.

I want my family to attend and/or invite me to things that they are planning if they are planning them.

I want to yell at the kids less.

I want to clean up my room as often as I clean up (and make the kids clean up) their rooms.

I need to get a specific something on the books to have someone drive my bike to the shop.

I want to ride my bike more and hook up the bike buddy so I can go on bike rides with the kids.

I need to figure out how much I owe the summer day camp people and where the hell the bus is picking them up in a couple of weeks.

I need to do yoga more. (I was going to make this a want but my neuro says it's a need.)

I want to do strength training so I can have arms and legs like the woman who's had MS for 15 years that I saw at the MS Center today.

I need to get a minimum of 8 hours sleep a night and only take naps for a max of 20 minutes during the day if I really need one.

I need to eat less sugar.

I want to take a storytelling class.

I want to get a digital camera and start taking photos again.

I want to find the really expensive pedipaws nail file thing I bought for Pepper and then hid away when he died so I can file the very long nails of Bella so she will not scratch my new Craigslist sofa.

I need to call the MSPCA to see if they still have Pepper's ashes and, if they don't, I need to forgive myself for not paying $100 less to have them cremate him with other animals.

I need to find the name and number of the neuro-opthalmologist and make an appointment and then I need to get the name of that optometrist he recommended to fit glasses and contacts to people with optic nerve damage and visual impairment.

I need to turn off the computer and the light and try to fall asleep.

Hating the MS Today

I am feeling physically awesome. I'm back on the Rebif and go in tomorrow for my monthly solumedrol infusion (which always does wonders for my energy level). Although there are a couple new lesions, my neuro has decided that none of them are active so we can continue my current course of treatment.

So why the ill will to my illness? It has just occurred to me that my relationship may have ended because of the MS.

He's a good guy and would, no doubt, deny it. He may not even KNOW that that is the reason. I can't help thinking, though, that, when we talked about the future before I was diagnosed, he wanted to move in with me...someday. But, when we spoke about it a year and a half later, he was still not ready, couldn't guarantee that he would ever be ready, and wasn't even sure that's what he wanted anymore. Because I KNEW that's what I wanted and couldn't lie to myself or him about it, the relationship ended.

But was MS the root cause? Whether or not that's true, the relationship ended for a reason, I know. And, if he did break up with me because he was too scared to commit to someone with a chronic and POTENTIALLY progressive illness, then he is not the right guy for me. I know that.

I also know that he loved me, to the best of his ability. So, what does that mean for the next guy? I could choose to keep my MS a secret until I am sure that he is someone that I want to stick around. We fall in love and then SHABAM! When he finds out about the MS, he could drop me like a hot potato.

Or, I could be honest from the very beginning and disclose the MS on our first date just to rule out anyone who can't handle it. But then, he could see me as a damsel in distress; a sickly, defective, needy individual. I could end up with someone who wants to rescue me, or take care of me, instead of someone who sees me as a capable equal who does not NEED him but instead, chooses to share my life with him.

MS sucks and it should only be given to really awful people who are in steady relationships with a commitment for years and years and years. MS should be a disease that only inflicts really old, mean, married people who do not believe in divorce.

Ok. The funny thing is that I am still not dating...consciously, purposely. I am not looking. I am not putting out to the Universe that I want to date...but no one is exactly ASKING me out either. I am working on myself right now with my sponsor and my higher power.

So, what's the problem? I'm lonely and sad. I am missing the relationship and wishing things were different. Breaking up is hard to do but being the break-up-ee really, really sucks. I feel sad and powerless but also pissed and confused....and still sad.

Better to be pissed at MS, don't you think?

BLOG AWARDS FOR EVERYONE!

If you blog about having MS, I would like to present you with this award. You all help me so much more than you know.  

The imperfectly beautiful award is beautifully imperfect just like all of us with MS.  If you want to put this award on your blog or pass it on to anyone else, feel free.  Just right click on the image above, save it to your desktop, and then insert the image on your own blog.

Blog on, babies.

Uh-oh

Here's some very, very bad news about MS...in mice. As a human being, I've decided not to get all hot and bothered about it. Or maybe that's just evidence of my deteriorating gray matter...?

Tuesday Tales

Rebelling against Rebif this week for some reason. What up with that? Who am I rebelling against? The MS? My neuro? Committing to do the self injection tonight no matter what.

Added blondish, face-framing highlights to my hair. I think it looks pretty good and I needed a change. It might as well be true when everyone tells me I look SO good.

Stayed up too late watching TV and surfing online last night--I think it was after 1am by the time I crawled into bed. What up with that? Lack of sleep always kicks my a$$ the next day.

Trying my damnedest, apparently, to eat every single one of the freeze pops in the box of 100 I purchased last weekend. The kids haven't found them yet. I hope there are some left by the time they do or Ruby will certainly give me an earful. Sugar is not good for my mind, body, spirit so, again...what up?

Second to last grief group tonight. The leader said that we should exchange numbers to keep getting together on our own. Since I cry every time I enter the room with these people and many of them do the same, I'm not sure if I want to be meeting them monthly in a restaurant. The waitress would be very perplexed by all the crying and dark humor. Plus, I feel like they all pity me for the LITTLE they know of my life, my family, and the circumstances around my father's death. What if they knew about the MS and the drunken hospice behavior? Geesh!

Having a hard time focusing on work writing assignments lately which is really easy to do working from home. Is it just a matter of buckling down or is it cognitive issues? Aaaah. The never ender question of those of us with a disease that can affect any and all central nervous system functions. Is it MS?

Monday Morning Musings

When I am ready to date again (and it's been suggested that I am DEFINITELY NOT ready), how many dates would I get with an entirely truthful person ad?

Divorced, 44-year-old woman, single mother of 2 children who have never had shy or quiet days in their entire lives--a fact I really appreciate but can be overwhelming to strangers. I no longer drive a car due to vision loss caused by Multiple Sclerosis. MS is not the telethon disease but it is on the books as chronic and progressive. Although I don't live my life that way, there is a chance it could attack any and all parts of my central nervous system.  There's also a chance you could be hit by a bus and paralyzed, but I'm guessing a bookie would give you better odds than she/he would on my potential disability. 

I've been told that I am quite pretty and consider myself attractive, too, but my body definitely shows wear and tear and my ample butt and thighs have ruined any chance of  a career as a bathing suit model.  I wiggle and shake what I have pretty well, on and off the dance floor, but I haven't seen single digit women's sizes in a while.  You will think I am gorgeous and will not hesitate to tell me this every time you see me. And mean it. Stinginess with compliments is not acceptable. I will tell you how much I enjoy looking at, touching, and being with you so you will need to do the same.

I am a very responsive and passionate lover (nuf said) and an awesome kisser. God help your dignity if you kiss me in front of the aforementioned exuberant children, though. They will hoot, holler, and mimic their limited TV exposure to make-out sessions. Before you ever get a chance to kiss me in front of them, though, you will be put through your paces, probably for your first 10 times seeing them, which is part of the reason you will not meet them until we are an exclusive item.

I am an independent, formerly freakishly-strong feminist looking  for a life partner who I will not have to ask to carry heavy stuff. You will understand how difficult it is for me to ask for help and will have the ability to read my mind and insist that I can't move one end of a sleeper sofa all by myself.

I find most of life very funny and you should share my sometimes warped sense of humor. Laugh at my jokes and make me laugh at yours and your attractiveness improves exponentially. 

I am writing a book of non-fiction essays based on a blog and incidents from my real life. If you are in my life, you will be in my blog and my book.  I will TRY REALLY HARD to respect your privacy but you should pick your battles if you want me to consider NOT writing about something. I won't share YOUR business unless it's also my business.  Capice?

You must like or at least silently tolerate Counting Crows and understand that Adam Duritz is on my list of 5 people that I could sleep with if given the opportunity. I doubt I will ever get that opportunity since he likes size O models and I tend to act like an idiot around famous people, but you should know where I stand on this issue. Other than this fictitious list of five, I am almost pathologically faithful. I do not cheat or lie and expect the same honesty and fidelity in return.

I don't like to go out every night but I do like to get dressed up now and then (one or two times a month unless I'm on vacation) and go out like a grown-up. You should be able to dance or at least fake it really well in a way that does not involve rolling around on the floor in some self-choreographed break dancing routine.

You should consider yourself handsome even if you're not. Confidence is very attractive. You should be liberal or liberal leaning and vote/contribute/volunteer in a way that shows how much you care about what happens to those less fortunate in our nation and the world. You should have some sense of spirituality. You don't have to believe in any particular God, but you can't BE God, if you know what I mean. 

You should have a full set of teeth, real or fake so I will not dread your smile. You should not be shy when naked (nuf said). You don't have to be a GQ model or even wear a suit every day but you should clean up well for the occasional wedding, funeral, or other event where a suit is considered appropriate attire.  You should own the suit and it should not be made out of corduroy or have "leisure" in front of it.

You should read. Obviously you should KNOW HOW to read, but you should also choose to read books for pleasure or self-improvement. You should like or not actively dislike NPR since I like to listen to it in the morning.

What do you think? Too much? Is he out there somewhere and will he be ready when I'm finally ready? Or will I grow old alone, surrounded by cats who will eat my dead flesh, and bat my bones around for fun?

Weekend Report Card for MS

Energy Level for Shopping on Saturday A+
Energy Level for Party on Saturday Night A
But You Look So Good Appearance at Party A+
Sleeping Through the Night on Saturday Night A+
Waking up at a Reasonable Hour on Sunday A+
Energy on Sunday B-
Gardening on Sunday B+
Doing Stuff Around the House (cleaning, etc.) D+
Making a Healthy, Tasty Dinner for the Family on Sunday A-
Getting the Kids Bathed and In Bed with Limited Drama B-
Going to bed early on Sunday night to prepare for the week F
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Dear Multiple Sclerosis,
Thanks for not totally sucking this weekend. Although, the spreading news of your body invasion resulted in several head tilt, arm squeezes of pity on Saturday night, they were almost canceled out with the "But You Look So Good" compliments and the leering looks of men who were unavailable and did not interest me in the least. Hey! I'm shallow; what can I say?
With gratitude,
Lazy Julie

Dear MS

Dear Multiple Sclerosis,
I do not regret to inform you that you will NOT my disease this weekend. You will not pass GO and will not collect $200. In fact, you must leave the premises (my body) immediately and you will not receive any severance package of any kind. I will nott miss you and will not be sad to see you go. If you contact me in any way, shape or form this weekend, I will immediately contact the authorities and have them kick your ass. I have plans and you will NOT ruin them for me. If you are desperately in need of a host body, I suggest Kim Jong Il.
Sincerely,
Lazy Julie

Whining Questions to Dump Before Bed

Why do all the other MS bloggers have awards except for me?

Why, if the neuro and the radiologist have confirmed that I have new but not active lesions, do I have to continue taking the Rebif and why the hell did I throw out my 10 or so remaining doses? On a related note, which body part should I stab tonight? Or rather, which section of my ample ass should I use for the injection this evening?

How and when am I going to shift my focus and energy back to my book proposal and finish compiling the first chapter? Should I finish my 4th step (as in the fourth of the 12 steps) first or is that just a delaying tactic?

What the hell am I going to wear on Saturday night to my first grown-up party in a while and should I have said "no" to the second brownie if I really want to look my best?

Why does my ex even think about taking a job that can't guarantee him every other weekend with the children?

Who am I most like: Carrie or Miranda and when the hell will I find MY sex in the city?

If and when the Universe decides I'm ready for another relationship, at what point do I tell the guy about the MS?

World MS Day

Enjoy it while it lasts, MS. If I have anything to say about it, this will be your final commemorative holiday and next year we'll be celebrating your extinction.

Welcome Newcomers

For my new visitors and followers, I'm thinking it must be really confusing to just JUMP into my journey with MS. I mean, this woman has MS but she's going on about dead dads, politics, whining about lesions....?WTF? Where is the context? Where is the humor? What's it all about and, in the words of Admiral Stockdale , "Why am I here?" (Remember him? Ross Perot's running mate? I absolutely loved the late, great Phil Hartman's impersonation of him running alongside the car with Ross Perot driving. Or was it the other way around...?)

But, I digress.

If you are newly diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis or know someone who is, welcome! This is the best club you never, ever wanted to join. I wish you peace and strength as you navigate the world of this chronic, live-changing illness.

And, once you settle in and get comfortable, I'd also like to invite you to be open to the blessings of MS. To paraphrase Michael J. Fox from Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist: For everything that MS has taken from me, it has given me an even greater gift. Swear to God. If you are sick, scared, in pain, or all of the above, you are probably questioning my sanity and/or sobriety. You wouldn't be the first. I kid you not, though, that I thank theUniverse for giving me Multiple Sclerosis. That doesn't stop me from whining about it sometimes nor is it intended to discourage whining on your part. Whining is part of my journey, too, and it helps me get to the place of recognizing the up-side.

Don't get me wrong. I want to find a cure for MS. I want better treatment that does not involve horrendous side effects, self-injecting medication, and regular infusions. I want to support scientists who are using stem cells and other technology to reverse nerve damage and give people back full use of their bodies, minds, and spirits. I want our children and children's children to not get pulled into a private room and hear those frightening words, "You have MS."

But I do have MS and that cure is not here yet. Lemons are all around me and I can either pucker up or get some sugar and make me some lemonade. I've chosen the latter and that's what this blog is all about...most of the time, anyway.

Since I was diagnosed, a lot has changed in my life and it's not all bad. Although my vision has diminished to the point that I no longer drive, I now reach out for help and rides and rarely go to meetings alone anymore, which has improved my social life and decreased isolation considerably. I'm also taking public transportationever where which is much better for my pocketbook and the environment. I never figured out a way to read and drive at the same time but I'm getting lots of reading done on the T.

I have less energy than I used to, which means that I have to choose carefully before deciding to do something. I make a point not to waste energy on silly/unimportant things (most of the time). I prioritize in a way that I have never been able to do and I spend my energy on the things that are truly important and meaningful to me. I take better care of myself and don't burn the candle at both ends like I used to do. I now view rest and relaxation as completely valid and worthwhile activities.

Stress does terrible things to people with MS. Since stress does terrible but more invisible things to everyone else, I'm benefiting all over the place by doing conscious acts to reduce stress in my life (yoga, meditation, work/life balance, etc.). If I didn't have the visible MS stuff to remind me (fatigue, numbness, more vision issues, pain, etc.), I would probably have just as many excuses as everyone else about why I can't reduce stress in my life. Now, though, if I decide I'm immune to stress, it knocks me on my arse and reminds me who's boss.

Heat is not good for MS. Most people with this wonderful disease, including me, notice an increase in symptoms in the hot weather. I used to love to lay out on the beach for hours at a time. In recent years, I've worn sunscreen, but still, some of thoseUVA/UVB rays have, no doubt, gotten through. Now, I limit the amount of time I spend in the sun and often choose shady spots to hang out in order to reduce symptoms. Who knows--I may even be staving off skin cancer at the same time.

When you have a disease like MS that can affect literally any part of you that's connected to the central nervous system (in other words, ALL OF YOU), it's hard to know what's MS and what's just normal aging or clumsiness or whatever. Although I am the first to point out thesuckiness of that fact, I'm also aware that I am way more attuned to my body and mind than I ever was before.

Before MS, I always wanted to write beyond the copy I crafted for my job. I was a writer who wasn't writing. Now I write. MS has been my catalyst, my inspiration, my muse, if you will. Even after they find a cure and people view MS like we now see polio, I will be grateful that I had it. I will be grateful to MS for giving me these gifts. I'm not sure, but I don't think I could have received them any other way.

If you are new here, I hope you will come back. There are some helpful facts about MS in the right margin and sprinkled throughout my posts. You can also visit the National MS Society site. for information and resources about Multiple Sclerosis. This blog is filled with my opinions, my voice, my feelings. You are more than welcome to share yours here via the comments feature or even start your own blog if you have a lot to say. Or maybe you want to write a poem or paint a masterpiece, or do a photo essay. Whatever you do, find your voice and when MS tries to shut it up, tell it to screw.

Ow.

I was feeling great. I really was! And now both of my wrists hurt. Did I sleep wrong? Is it MS? Am I just old and tired? Is it psychosomatic since I know there are new and active lesions? Did I jinx myself by talking about feeling so good? Does it matter?

I'm in great spirits, though, and I'm looking forward to dinner out with friends tonight and going to a meeting and writing with my sponsor tomorrow.

Screw you, MS!

The lesions are active! The lesions are active!

The title of this post is meant to be read with the same enthusiasm as "The British are coming! The British are coming!" but, obviously, I don't have the ability to reach through the computer screen and force you to do that....or do I....? (mmmmwwwaaaaahhhhhahahahahaaaa!)

I had a big day at the Partners MS Center yesterday morning. First, an appointment with my neurologist, Dr. Lopez-Diego. Unlike all too many doctors, she is always on time, always dit, and always shakes my hand hello and goodbye. I like these qualities in a physician. She acts like she is an expert that I've hired to take care of something outside my skill set...which she kind of is. We are partners in treating my MS. Also, she's a woman and probably a little younger than I am. Dr. L-P definitely perpetuates the stereotypes that female doctors are more empathetic and humble and younger doctor's are more progressive and open minded.

Although I was anxious to see the MRI results, I first had the overall neurological clinical workup. I did the walking down the hall on my heels and my toes thing, the flipping my hand over and back, and all the other tests of my reflexes, strength and vision. These vision tests frustrate the hell out of me since I can't read any of the letters on the card with my nerve-damaged right eye, but I still have to cover my left eye and try anyway. Next time, I think I'm going to memorize the card and pretend I can read it or maybe I will read something that isn't there. I could say: "Why it's a miracle! I can read it! It says I A M B L I N D I N T H A T E Y E!"

After the neurological games, we sat down to look at the MRI results on Dr. L-P's computer screen. Although the neurologist and radiologist are not in complete agreement about the particulars, there are definitely more lesions on my spine and in my brain and the contrast shows activity (whatever that means) in at least one of the lesions.

The radiology team and the neurology team are going to have a pow-wow this week to compare the old MRIs and the new MRIs side by side so they can agree on a final report. I guess there's no such thing as a dissenting opinion when it comes to MRIs.

So, what do these results really mean? Dr. L-D believes that the thrice weekly Rebif injections and monthly solumedtrol infusions are not working as well as she had hoped. I get the impression this is supposed to be bad news but I'm not feeling bad about it. Perhaps it's denial. Perhaps it's just my fabulous, optimistic attitude. Either way, I'm focusing on the positive:

1. Once Dr. L-P changes my treatment, I will no longer have to give myself an injection of Rebif 3 times a week. Can I get a Whoot-Whoot?!
2. I will no longer have to go into the MS Center once a month for infusions of solumedtrol.
   
3. I will not have to get blood tests every couple of months to make sure the Rebif isn't damaging my liver

So, what's next? As soon as the MRI results are finalized, I'm going to stop taking the Rebif and start one of two possible low-dose chemo drugs: Rituxan or Cytoxan. I asked Dr. L-P about Tysabri but she doesn't feel comfortable with the 8 US cases of PML--a very rare, but deadly brain infection. I am leaning toward the Rituxan since you only have to get 1-2 infusions a year and hair loss isn't one of the possible side effects. I may have MS but I am still vain enough to want my hair.

The funny part about all of this is that I feel great. My vision sucks but I don't have fatigue, leg pain, headaches, or any numbness. Physically, I have absolutely no complaints. Seriously, until I open my eyes and have trouble seeing things in the morning, I can easily forget I have MS. Although this could just be the calm before the storm, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Shrinkage, Vision, and Drugs

On Wednesday, the neurologist will give me the results of my latest MRI series. Unlike men who step out of a swimming pool, I am hoping for shrinkage.



Since I have no penis and this blog is addressing MS issues, I probably don't need to specify that I'm hoping for shrinkage of the MS lesions in my brain and on my spine. I'm a stickler for accuracy, though, which is why I'm mentioning it anyway. I think, even a status quo lesion status wouldn't be terrible since it will show no progression of the disease. More or larger lesions are definitely not what I'm looking for.

I'm also going to talk to my neurologist about another neuro-opthalmology evaluation. I have suspected for some time now that my vision is getting worse, although the regular opthalmology exams show no further detioration. I think it's a constrast issue plus my vision is worse when I'm in motion and/or tired. This article seems to concur with my instincts.

I suspect we will also discuss my ongoing treatment and MS drugs. I don't trust the objectivity of studies that are funded and conducted by the drug companies that makes the drug being studied but I'm reading a lot of positive stuff about Tysabri lately and some of my fellow MS bloggers/online buddies are singing its praises in their own lives. Here's one.

It's been my understanding that Tysabri has potentially dangerous side affects (namely possible death) so it's sort of a last resort thing if other, safer drugs aren't working. Not so, according to this article.

Still, I'm a firm believer in, if it works, don't fix it. So if there is shrinkage or the size and number of my lesions is status quo, I will probably stick with the Rebif. I have no real side affects (besides bruising and pain at injection site which you kind of expect when sticking yourself with a needle three times per week).

According to this drug company study (again, possible objectivity issues should be considered), Rebif reduced the number of active lesions by 78% compared to the same group of MS patients getting a placebo. (That would suck, wouldn't it? You have to give yourself a shot three times a week and it is basically water that does jack shit to slow the progression of your MS?)

Denial is Fading

I have an appointment with my neurologist next week to discuss the results of my latest MRI series. I realized today that I am NOT secretly expecting she's going to tell me there was a really big mistake and I don't have MS.  

That's a first. Usually, with each appointment I am absolutely positive that I will leave there, head reeling, but MS-free, feeling kind of sheepish and stupid that I made a big deal out of nothing.

Nope. I still have MS. Feeling pretty good, though. I have sensation in all my extremities, have pretty good energy level (no mandatory napping when I suddenly start nodding over my computer), no MS hugs, or leg pain.

I am, however, very sad, but trying to keep all that non-MS emotional crapolla on my other blog. 

DJ Lazy in the MRI Tube

I spent two hours in the MRI tube tonight. 

That's not counting the hour it took to travel to Brigham and Women's Hospital, the 45 minutes my appointment was delayed, the 15 minutes it took me to fill out the forms and put on my johnnie, and the hour and a half it took to get back home. 

That's right. My bi-annual MRI (although I blew off the series I was supposed to have last summer so technically it's my only one this year), took 5 1/2 hours or, in babysitter talk, 55 smackaroos. The kids and I love our babysitter, Ash, but I would have rather had a spa day with a friend or gone to a concert with this me time.

But, it was not a total waste of time.  I have a new idea for a musical project. I am going to become a DJ.  I'm thinking my stage name will be DJ Lazy but I'm also considering Lazy I.M. 

Seriously, though,I want to work with a musical producer or sound engineer or one of the other very talented audio people I know to remix the really, really loud sounds that are blasted into one's ears during an MRI. I want to take those horrible but incredibly rhythmic sounds and create music.  I got the idea when I was trying to not move my eyeballs during the brain scan and trying not to swallow during the thoracic and cervical spine scans (with and without contrast). I tried to imagine dancing to each sound like it was a percussion instrument.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of hanging out in an MRI tube, here's a little sample of what you're missing. 

Imagine a mix of the machine gun rat-a-tat-tat sound with the electronic water drip torture sounds with maybe the clunk, clunk transition sounds in between.  I'm telling you, I am really onto something. People will hear the MRI mix in clubs and beg their primary care doctors for an MRI referral. It will spawn expressions like "That's magnetic resonance, man!" and "I had an awesome weekend. I was in the tube!"

I found this video that was created for children to prepare them for MRIs. I have decided that my next MRI will be at a pediatric MRI center. I want movies!

Staying on Top of My MS Game

What's the difference between MS nerve damage and MS symptoms? I think it a question of permanence. Symptoms are temporary and nerve damage is...well, permanent...at least until they figure out how to reverse it. The visual impairment (aka, optic nerve damage) appears to be ongoing (aka, permanent). The numb feet symptom...ALL GONE! Can I get a WHOO-WHOO?!

WHOO-WHOO!

I think that this mini episode taught me that I have to stay on top of my MS game. You know...keep up with the self care and reduce the stress. I can't NOT have my boyfriend break up with me or NOT have my dad die (well, I guess that won't happen again, will it?), but I CAN keep up with the things that make me feel better: good sleep hygiene, Rebif three times per week, monthly steroid infusions, yoga, walking, meditating, etc.

I'm getting a full MRI series (brain, cervical spine, and thoracic spine with and without contrast) on Wednesday. I'm prepared for the boredom, claustrophobia, and inability to fall asleep this time (my eyeballs move when I sleep which makes it hard to get a good look at my optic nerves), so I'm bringing my iPod with a bunch of public radio podcasts. I know I'm such a geek, but it will keep my awake and oblivious of the fact that I'm stuffed in a tube for 3 hours.

I have an appointment to discuss the MRI results with the neurologist next week. The MRI is supposed to tell her and me how the MS is progressing. From what I gather, if there are many more lesions or if the lesions that were there are bigger or more active or whatever, she may consider changing my course of treatment. If, however (and this is the option I'm rooting for) the disease has not progressed significantly, then I will stay on the Rebif and monthly steroid infusions and hope for the best until some of these studies pan out and all the very talented scientists on the case find a cure, reverse the damage, or come up with effective oral meds.

This UK Telegraph article reports on a limited study that showed how adult stem cells reversed symptoms but not nerve damage.

This MedPageToday article has really great things to report about the efficacy of oral MS meds. And another, in Health News, singing the praises of a combination of two oral drugs.

This PeerView Media Bar story suggests adding a steroid injectable interferon beta drugs, slows down the progression. Based on my lay person's sensibilities, it seems like this goes along with the neurologists ideas of giving me Rebif AND the infusions of solumedrol (another steroid).

This EMax Health article summarizes research that was presented at the American Academy of Neurology about finding a thingamajig called glutamate that gives info about the progression of the disease and, therefore, may be a key to better treatment.

This Medical News Today piece describes the discovery of a protein that apparently eats both myelin and gray matter. I'm quite sure I am not getting that right since I'd rather not think about anything devouring my gray matter, but read it yourself. Perhaps you have enough gray matter left to understand it better than I did.

In the meantime, though, I'm going for the gold.

Why?

Why does Dr. Gregory House and his team of diagnosticians always need to rule out MS when someone shows up with bizarre symptoms?

Why do gay men generally make such wonderful friends to straight women but lesbians don't, as a rule, make great friends to straight men?

Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package but hot dog buns are sold in bags of 8?

Why does an emergency room have to treat a person who's dying of a heart attack even if they have no money or insurance but a pharmacy doesn't have to give away free drugs to prevent a heart attack?

Why do the channels on my cable box jump from 101 to 166 and then all the way to the 200s? What happened to 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.?

Why do we keep caged guinea pigs for pets but not caged squirrels or chipmunks?

When you have enough junk in your trunk to only inject medication into your ass and never repeat the same spot for at least a year, why does the MS nurse insist that you move your injection sites around to other body parts?

Why was a show about Nazi Germany turned into a popular sitcom?

Why do we procrastinate things that we like that will bring us rewards we like even more?

Why do people post their most intimate thoughts and feelings on blogs and social networking sites but lie and say they are "fine" when a friend or neighbor asks "How are you?"

Why is there a restaurant called "Hooters" featuring large-breasted women wearing tight T-shirts but not a restaurant called "Buns" with handsome waiters wearing tight shorts?

Why is a teacher's median annual salary about $40,000 but a dentist makes $135,000 when they both go to school for about the same amount of time and the teacher sees your children 200 days of the year and the dentist usually sees them a few days a year?

Why is pink associated with girls and blue with boys?

Why does MS have a name that is difficult to pronounce even if the person saying "Multiple Sclerosis" doesn't have any trouble with their speech and people with this disease sometimes have trouble with their speech?

These feet are made for sitting.

My feet are still numb. It's been about a week and a half. I've had my solumedrol drip. I'm playing a really slow game of phone tag with the neurologist. The only reason I'm even calling her back is because I'm "supposed to." There is no magic pill. There is no magic anything. I have MS. No news there.

I'm taking the Fung Fah Funk bus to New York tomorrow to hang with mysself in the city and then meet up with my buddy Eric for dinner and a play. I want to wear high heels and stride down the streets of Manhattan, looking hip, sexy, and young. Probably not going to happen. But, I can walk until I need a rest and sit in a park, a cafe, or a museum and watch the city strut past. I want to be a main character from Sex and the City but, instead, I will be an extra. I'm still in the show!

Multiple Sclerosis News

Every now and then I do a little searching for news about MS. Here are my latest results:

• A new US drug trial for secondary progressive MS. This link is to a drug company so, of course, they are biased and you have to take what they say with a grain of salt. It's always good to hear about drugs that target the progressive element of this disease so those of us with relaxing and remitting MS don't feel like we in a race and if we pass on to secondary or primary progressive, we are shit out of luck for treatment.
• Can I just say again how grateful I am to President Barack Obama for reversing the ban on embryonic stem cell research? This study shows incredibly promising news for the use of embryonic stem cells and something called "oligodendrocytes" which is used to create myelen--an incredibly important substance that is hard to come by in people with MS. According to this second article, this same embryonic stem cell research could also lead to repairs of nerve damage in people with MS--something I am personally REALLY excited about.
  
• Phil Keoghan, the host of the only my absolute favorite reality show, The Amazing Race, is biking across the United States to raise money for the National MS Society. Follow his progress, donate, and find out when he'll be near you at this site.
• A man with MS from Sebastopol, Pontypool (say that three times fast, if you can even pronounce it), is being recognized for his amazing fundraising and advocacy on behalf of MS causes. Read all about Ian Williams in the South Wales Argus.
• The drug news is good but the FDA bureaucratic bullshit is not. Regulatory delays result in shares dropping which results in drug companies moving on to drugs that can make them money faster. Judge for yourself.
• Can you say "no more MS shots?" I can! Well, not yet, but soon, according to this news.
• I love cats and I am truly enjoying my new kitty, Bella. I must admit, though, that I despise the smell of cat food. I am rethinking this intolerance after learning that cat food could lead to a cure for MS! I hope I don't have to eat it, but I wouldn't totally rule it out either.
• I recently learned that a woman who goes to the UU church is an acupuncturist and has worked with people with MS. I've found a lot of relief in the past with other things through acupuncture so I am definitely going to give her a call. This article appears to concur with my decision.
• This article discusses the possibility of worm research helping scientists figure out how to regenerate nerve cells in people with MS. And, no, we definitely will not have to eat worms.
  
• This article discuss a Texas firefighter who discovered that his plant-based diet has been shown to improve symptoms in a number of diseases, including MS. I did feel very good during the week of my nutritionist-led Spring Cleanse where I ate only veggies (raw and steamed), potatoes, no dairy, no meat, no sugar, legumes, and natural grains like Kasha, quinoa, and brown rice.. Check out Jennifer Howe's website to learn more about signing up for the next Cleanse.
• I found a few different articles about using Yoga to help with MS symptoms. This one is from the Yoga Journal.
  
• And, finally, here's a video produced by the National MS Society that is one of many videos featuring a doctor at a prominent MS center. In this one he talks about research into treatment for advanced MS. The second article at About.com references a research study showing that a small group of people with MS showed improvements with fatigue and other symptoms when they practices yoga regularly.
  

Whining my way to a grateful heart...

Instead of sharing how I worked my way through my process to get to a place of humor, perspective, and gratitude, I thought I would share the mucky part before that and see if it makes me feel any better.

I am at the MS Center getting my monthly solumedrol drip, except I had to wait a half hour after the start of my appointment since I missed my March appointment. I am being punished for my non-compliance even though I am here which means I am trying to be compliant. Too late. I'm in the slot and there I will stay.

My feet are still numb and cold and even though I left a message for the neurologist yesterday, I have yet to receive a call back. And even though I am actually present in her office, she has yet to come by to see me and respond to my message about the numb feet. More punishment? I'll show her. She misses the solumedrol and her feet get numb, let her suffer because she deserves it. She brought it on herself.

I am alone. Lots of people are here alone but there are also people who have loved ones with them. It's probably 75% alone and 25% with people. So why I comparing myself to the minority and feeling bad?

The woman who is getting an infusion in the next pot just went to the bathroom. Her husband lifted her from the recliner into her wheelchair and then took her into the bathroom. I'm assuming he had to pull down her pants, put her on the toilet and either empty her cath bag (is there such a thing) or wipe her after she went to the bathroom. Who, exactly, would do that for me? Not that I want to be in a position to be having ANYONE take me to the bathroom but, God forbid, who will take me?

I am feeling like I have no loved ones that love me THAT MUCH. I am filled with self-pity and devoid of all gratitude. I am missing my dad and started crying when the nurse asked me why I missed the March appointment. I am missing that he was a person related to me who gave a shit and who I could count on no matter what. He would never let me be homeless. But I am not homeless. I have a job and a home and a refrigerator full of food.

I am missing Ken, too, not just as my boyfriend but HIM in particular. I am missing his eyes and his voice and his kindness and his hands and his love and his body. I'm not sure why I am missing him here and now. He never came to solmedrol drip appointments with me at this place. He probably would have tried to come if I asked but he never, ever would have offered on his own. Maybe I'm missing who I wish he could have been for me. In our relationship, he gave me a lot but he could not or didn't want to give me his whole self and his whole heart as a life partner. I am missing what he NEVER could give me. But then again, I hate when people feel sorry for me and cling to my independence at all costs so why am I craving that kind of support?

I am tired and want to fall asleep but I'm supposed to be working which I'm not doing anyway, so I should probably stop whining and either do some work or shut my eyes. I keep switching screens from this one to work email and feeling resentful about that.

I am, in short, not in a good place. I am sad, mad, scared, and, generally pathetic. I know that this too will pass. I know that because I am sharing my feelings, they will be halved I will get relief from the poison in my brain.

A woman just came in with a three-month old baby and I feel better looking at his peaceful face asleep in the stroller. Thanks God.

I am not asking for help and I should be. I just closed my eyes and asked but I was not hit by a bold of spiritual lightning.

Numb Feet

My feet are asleep and, no matter what I do, they refuse to wake up. I'm guessing this is the MS which kind of pisses me off.

I inadvertently blew off my solumedrol drip for March (I was a bit busy with death and heartbreak). So, when I called the neurologist to report the numb feet a couple days ago, I rescheduled the solumedrol and kinda forget to mention the new symptom. I'm going in on Tuesday so I figured I would mention it then.

I feel like I'm going to get in trouble again for being a non-compliant patient. Maybe they'll decide that I'm too rebellious to have MS. Wouldn't that be something? If you only got the disease you were prepared to have. Hmmm. But then, I guess, no one would get the really bad ones.

Cancer would suck a lot and no matter how compliant you were, you could still die of it. AIDS: Also pretty sucky. People are living longer and longer with HIV these days but it seems that most people who are HIV positive have to be sticklers with the medication and usually end up dying of pneumonia in the end anyway. Diabetes wouldn't be that fun either. You have to watch what you eat really closely, give yourself shots, and, if you are non-compliant, you could end up going blind and/or having to have something amputated.

On second thought, maybe MS isn't so bad.

The numb feet has added a new fear to my list. I worry that I will step out of bed in the morning and my entire legs will be numb. I will fall to the floor and have to crawl to the phone. Not sure who I would call either. I mean, is that worthy of a 911 call? Do I call Mr. Ex to pick up the kids? Do I call my fabulous neighbors to take them when he says he says "that doesn't work for him?" Do I get back in bed and have my husband bring me bon-bons? Oh right! I don't have a husband....and I'm not even sure what a bon-bon is or if I like them.

Boston MS Walk 2009

The day dawned a bit gray and chilly for yesterday's Boston MS Walk. As we walked, the sun shined higher and warmer in the sky, burning off all the clouds and making it a beautiful, New England Spring day. Team Lazy participants for the day included Lazy Liz, Lazy Pete, Lazy Katie, Lazy Zack, Lazy Ruby, Lazy Ashley, Lazy Lynda, Lazy Deb, Lazy Christina, Lazy Nancy, Lazy Ellen, Lazy Cindy, Lazy Jill, and little old Lazy Me!

I never heard the officials numbers but, based on my unofficial observations, there were a PLETHORA of walkers on the trek from Harvard Athletic Complex to our 6-mile route around the Charles River. I am incredibly pleased to report that, with your help, I was the team's leading fundraiser with $1010--not bad in this crappy economy. Team Lazy as a group, was one of the event's leading fundraising teams, bringing in $4000+ (last minute plledge are still coming in.

I am grateful for your support and incredibly hopeful that the money will help free the world of MS.

THE SHAME! THE SHAME!

I am the proud captain of Team Lazy, a group of 10 wonderful women participating in the Boston MS Walk on Sunday, April 5. The walk is only 4 days away and I am mortified that I am not the team's top fundraiser. I am very competitive and I am the captain after all. I'm not quite sure how I will maneuver the 6-mile walk with my head hanging low in embarrassment and my feet shuffling in shame. Please help me regain my typical proud posture and raise money for an incredibly worthy cause--finding a cure for MS, so no one else needs to be pulled into a private room to hear those life-changing words: "You have Multiple Sclerosis."

Click here to make a donation of any size. Any and all contributions are welcome and incredibly appreciated.