Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Whining my way to a grateful heart...

Instead of sharing how I worked my way through my process to get to a place of humor, perspective, and gratitude, I thought I would share the mucky part before that and see if it makes me feel any better.

I am at the MS Center getting my monthly solumedrol drip, except I had to wait a half hour after the start of my appointment since I missed my March appointment. I am being punished for my non-compliance even though I am here which means I am trying to be compliant. Too late. I'm in the slot and there I will stay.

My feet are still numb and cold and even though I left a message for the neurologist yesterday, I have yet to receive a call back. And even though I am actually present in her office, she has yet to come by to see me and respond to my message about the numb feet. More punishment? I'll show her. She misses the solumedrol and her feet get numb, let her suffer because she deserves it. She brought it on herself.

I am alone. Lots of people are here alone but there are also people who have loved ones with them. It's probably 75% alone and 25% with people. So why I comparing myself to the minority and feeling bad?

The woman who is getting an infusion in the next pot just went to the bathroom. Her husband lifted her from the recliner into her wheelchair and then took her into the bathroom. I'm assuming he had to pull down her pants, put her on the toilet and either empty her cath bag (is there such a thing) or wipe her after she went to the bathroom. Who, exactly, would do that for me? Not that I want to be in a position to be having ANYONE take me to the bathroom but, God forbid, who will take me?

I am feeling like I have no loved ones that love me THAT MUCH. I am filled with self-pity and devoid of all gratitude. I am missing my dad and started crying when the nurse asked me why I missed the March appointment. I am missing that he was a person related to me who gave a shit and who I could count on no matter what. He would never let me be homeless. But I am not homeless. I have a job and a home and a refrigerator full of food.

I am missing Ken, too, not just as my boyfriend but HIM in particular. I am missing his eyes and his voice and his kindness and his hands and his love and his body. I'm not sure why I am missing him here and now. He never came to solmedrol drip appointments with me at this place. He probably would have tried to come if I asked but he never, ever would have offered on his own. Maybe I'm missing who I wish he could have been for me. In our relationship, he gave me a lot but he could not or didn't want to give me his whole self and his whole heart as a life partner. I am missing what he NEVER could give me. But then again, I hate when people feel sorry for me and cling to my independence at all costs so why am I craving that kind of support?

I am tired and want to fall asleep but I'm supposed to be working which I'm not doing anyway, so I should probably stop whining and either do some work or shut my eyes. I keep switching screens from this one to work email and feeling resentful about that.

I am, in short, not in a good place. I am sad, mad, scared, and, generally pathetic. I know that this too will pass. I know that because I am sharing my feelings, they will be halved I will get relief from the poison in my brain.

A woman just came in with a three-month old baby and I feel better looking at his peaceful face asleep in the stroller. Thanks God.

I am not asking for help and I should be. I just closed my eyes and asked but I was not hit by a bold of spiritual lightning.


  1. I also feel alone when I have a husband there sometimes. Great blog and you write well.

  2. Thanks, Stuff. It's amazing how better I feel after giving myself permission to whine, wallow, feel sad, and focus on the negative. I think I may start a Pity Party Planning Consultant business. I could supply the ice cream, chocolate, sappy chick flicks or stories about dying children, an ipod full of sad songs, tissues, tea, and I would even schedule the friends to call or come by and check on you and only listen and say things like, "You're right. That sucks! He sucks! MS sucks! That's very, very sad! I'm so sorry. and, of course, you are going to be ok no matter what."

  3. Hi Julie-Your amazing! and such a power of example for me. Getting the bad feelings out is cleansing and just feels good. I'm glad your doing that!
    Just remember God loves you and so do I.

    Karen Mac

  4. Thanks, Karen. I learned how to whine so well because of all my fabulous friends who give me permission. ;-)

  5. I think I would collapse from shock if my DH actually volunteered to accompany me to one of my follow-up appts - it was a big surprise for him to come down for my last surgery!

  6. My hubbie would never volunteer and I often feel alone and isolated. Reaching out to others with disabilities has helped--and I actually like that most of them have some other disease or disability than MS. Hang in there! Beth