Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Very Fun Cold

As I wrote in one of my MS rooms recently, "I have a GD cold, for cryin' out loud. It's not like I have something SERIOUS like...oh...I don't know...Multiple Sclerosis. Oh, but wait! I do have Multiple Sclerosis...and a cold.

My nose is running and it hurts to swallow. Big deal. I saw a women on Discovery Health last night (my guilty pleasure) who had no legs. They were amputated as high as they could possibly be (just under hips) because of a disorder she was born with. She had a child, got around on a skateboard, had a job, etc. THAT is challenging. Chapped nostrils are child's play in comparison.

I just found out that my meeting was cancelled for tonight. I'd like to go home but I already confirmed with Abby that she is babysitting and I'm sure she needs the money. I will probably go to another, much needed meeting, or finish my X-mas shopping, or both. Then, I will come home and crash. Hard. Just for a little bit, though, because Ken has a babysitter (his daughter who is home from college) so he's coming over. It's hard when I miss him, want to see him, but feel like I HAVE to see him when I don't want to see ANYONE. I could say "no" again but then I won't get to see him until Saturday night. I miss him.

I long for a simpler time in my life sometimes when I'm trying to schedule intimacy around babysitters, work and visitation schedules, etc. Was there ever such a time? And, why am I bemoaning my life? Wasn't this what I wished for? I wanted children. They were and are chosen and wanted. I wanted to be divorced. I was done with my marriage prayed for the courage to leave it. I wanted to date a wonderful, sexy man who treats me well and I do. I wanted to be Ken's girlfriend and have him be my boyfriend which we are. It's all stuff of my choosing but sometimes it feels like "how did I GET here?"

My friend Rachel came to Gingerbread Women in Pants. (She says she came last year and I have absolutely no recollection of that which scares the crap out of me in the "am I slipping cognitively?" sort of way.) I've known Rachel since I was about 21 and she was 18, I think Seeing her and talking about silly college experiences made me feel old...well, not exactly old, just REALLY DISTANT from that girl who had to be pushed across town in an orange VW rabbit that didn't run, produced lots of white smoke anyway, and didn't have plates or insurance. I'm happy to be driving a car that runs today--although it still only has one headlight thanks to my over-committed mechanic. (He's supposed to replace it on Thursday but he isn't sure he can get me the car back in the same day. What the????? I could probably replace the headlight in a day!)

I'm happy to MOSTLY be able to pay my bills. I'm happy to have a job where I don't have to wear a uniform and men don't harass me. I'm happy I don't smell like restaurant food at the end of the night. I was younger and free back then but I also didn't have Ruby and Zane and all the other wonderful things I now have in my life.

I AM grateful...BUT.....NO BUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I truly AM grateful...AND...I need to figure out how to have more fun in my life. So, I have MS. I can still have fun. So, I'm a single parent, I can still have fun and I have two beautiful children to have fun with me. So, my boyfriend is a single parent, too, and we have to "schedule" alone time. At least I'm enjoying that alone time when we get to have it.

I have to miss Ruby's holiday concert on Thursday because it was rescheduled for a time that I will be 30 miles away in a long-awaited meeting at work. I can't reschedule the meeting because my boss is about to go on maternity leave. She is adopting the cutest little boy from Guatemala. From photos, I could see he has those luscious, chubby thighs that I love on babies! I just want to squeeze them. Why, I wonder, do I love meaty thighs on a baby but hate them so much on myself? But I digress.

Anyway, I asked John to be the parent at the concert and he said he can't go either. Ken said he can go (which is FABULOUS--Please God let him be on time!), but I still feel guilty. I feel like I am a boring mom with no fun in my life and I'm not even a very good mom at that. Wa-wa-wa-wa.

NOT TRUE, Mean Voice in My Head. I am a fine mother with a lot on my plate right now and I made arrangement to not have to work last Thursday afternoon when the concert was originally supposed to happen. I can't help that there was a blizzard and the concert was rescheduled! Although Ruby will definitely NOT understand, I will ask Ken to take pictures and I will buy flowers for him to give to her from me.

Plus, I do have fun. How many people whoop it up with other women molding nudes out of gingerbread dough?! How many people are actively writing a book? How many people hand paint a white minivan and invite their children to do the same? How many people tattoo Dr. Seuss' One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" on their widening lower back? I'm fun God Da&&IT! I'm a barrel of fricken laughs.

1 comment:

  1. I find that having kids deleted any and all regrets I had about my life up until we had them. Because if I had done anything differently up until that point, I mean anything, ANYTHING -- they wouldn't be here with me today. If I had succeeded at the times that I failed, my kids wouldn't exist. Now that they're here and I'm not planning on having any more kids, I guess I can start regretting things again. I'm still glad that I got to flush all of those earlier regrets down the toilet all at once.