Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Me and Other Contradictions

I am a walking, talking contradiction.

According to my favorite of the Dictionary.com definitions, a contradiction is a "a statement or proposition that contradicts or denies another or itself and is logically incongruous and/or direct opposition between things compared, inconsistency."

Regular blog visitors probably know this about me already. Sometimes I can feel really sure about something, write about it here, and then have some sort of inspiration or gather new information that shifts my entire perspective about the exact same subject. Then, the next time you hear from me on the topic, you may scratch your head and say "Wait a minute! That isn't what she said before!"

Or maybe  you don't notice at all because I'm talking about subtle contradictions. They aren't major core value issues like the fact that I'm a bleeding heart liberal, a feminist, a spiritual person, etc. (Can you imagine if, all of a sudden, I started writing about my decision to become a registered Republican working to get Sarah Palin into the Oval office? Ya right. In the words of Flo from the old Alice sitcom, "When pigs fly!".)

I'm talking about shifts in my perspective in personal situations. I can feel 100% sure that something happened a particular way and I am 100% sure of my opinion--usually that I'm right and someone else is wrong. But then I learn something new about myself and realize maybe...just maybe...I got it wrong or at least partially wrong. It's very disconcerting. I like to think of myself as footloose and flexible but I like black and white. Gray is too mushy for my taste. But I also know that the gray is where I grow. Maybe I should stop thinking of myself as a contradiction and, instead, think of myself as a work in progress.

I'm doing a lot of writing about my family of origin these days and trying to examine situations and tell myself the truth about what I wanted, how I was dishonest, how I reacted, and what I was afraid of.  I want to break some patterns so I don't repeat them with my own kids. That's the goal. Probably, like most things, it will turn out much different...and much better...than I planned. I want to grow and change but I hope I still recognize myself. I want to have an open mind. But I also want to know where I stand and make sure that I hang onto my edge. Is that possible? And, if so, can I get it now, please?!!!!

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