Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Skipping Ahead to the Now: Tuesday, September 25 at 3:30pm

Things I hate about MS right this very minute:

  • Waking up with so much energy that I feel even better than normal (maybe it's the steroids?), but then feeling like a weak, old lady by 3pm.
  • Continually checking to see if my glasses are dirty when it's really just my optic nerves messing up the messenges to my eyes.
  • Getting invited to join a cruise to Alaska in 2 years and wondering, even if I had the money, if it's ok to make that plan.
  • Having people at work who seem to know about the MS (but who I didn't tell) not say anything but look at me in a pitying way.
  • Having Zane be clingy and whiny and angry and not being sure if it's his way of dealing with the instability the MS has brought on so far (friends driving us places, IVs, etc.) or if he is just being 4. Wondering if I will always wonder things like that as the kids grow up.
  • Realizing after writing the one above that my kids are going to grow up with a chronically ill mother and how much that sucks. There are seriously screwed up adults who are screwed up because they grew up with chronically ill parents.
  • Feeling so positive that I am thanking God for MS because I believe that one day I will view it as a gift but then, several hours later, feeling so sorry for myself that I want to stamp my feet and say "No fair!"
  • Feeling guilty because I am feeling sorry for myself and there are people so much worse off than me. I could have breast cancer, I could be the parent of the 6-year old who died on the soccer field in Belmont.
  • Questioning my cognitive functioning when I have to think really hard how to make an 8/1 x 11" copy of an oversized, multi-page document.
  • Feeling like I have no filter when I talk or write. Not really caring about that either but worried that I might care tomorrow and regret the words coming out now.
  • Wanting a Diet Coke really bad but not wanting to walk downstairs to get one. Never mind. I'm going.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean, I was diagnosed before both my kids were born. they are 21 and 17 and never got to know the me I liked.