Friday, October 03, 2008

Here Comes The Ex...All Dressed in White.

When I pulled up in front of my house after grocery shopping last night, Mr. Ex was already parked outside to drop off the kids. Ruby came running up to my car window to tell me that she had something very exciting to tell me. I asked her what it was and she said she wasn't allowed to tell me until Daddy left. (I'm guessing the delay was his idea.)

The big news? He is engaged to be married. He proposed to his girlfriend on Wednesday night with a ring...I believe on bended knee. Yup. The man who used to be my husband is now going to be married to someone else. He is going to have a wife who, I would guess, will take his last name (something I never did).

Ruby went on to tell me that she is going to be a flower girl and that she and her soon-to-be stepmother will purchase and wear matching dresses. Zane will be the ring bearer and will dress the same as his Daddy.

I am very happy for Ruby that she gets to be a flower girl. That's one of my childhood dreams that was never fulfilled. (What's the age limit on flower girls, I wonder? If anyone is in the market for a 44-year old flower girl, please let me know.) I'm also happy for Zane because he really enjoys wearing ties.

So, how do I feel? I was surprised to hear about the engagement ring. I didn't get one when we decided to get married. Nor did I get a proposal, actually. I think someone just said, "If we're ready to have a kid soon, should we get married?"

They are getting married this summer in Maine...either on the beach or at the "zagebo" (Ruby's initial pronunciation of gazebo.) I did not have a wedding, but I did get married in a zagebo in front of the town hall that I pass every day on my way to work.

At the time we eloped, I didn't want a proposal, a ring, or a wedding, but now I think it was because I didn't believe I deserved those things. Also, I am a card-caring feminist and I didn't know how to have a wedding and cut out all the sexist crap I didn't want to include. I also didn't know how to not invite my mother. So, we eloped to the Milton Town Hall. The Town Clerk who married us suggested we use the gazebo out in front of the building right on a main street. A firetruck tooted its horn at us during the "ceremony." Our "attendants" were Wendy and Hicham, visiting friends who found out we were getting married when we showed them the license about 30 minutes before our appointment. I wore a pinkish/purple sundress and little white sneakers. Mr. Ex wore shorts and sandals.

We went out to breakfast afterward at Newcomb Farms and then went swimming at the Cunningham Pool. We also went to see my friend Alex Dolan and his band at the time. I think they were playing somewhere on Landsdowne Street. I remember I got to pull open the curtain. I also remember dancing a lot but not with my new husband. He threw out his back a few days before we eloped and was in too much pain to dance.

So, how do I feel? Weird! The consensus among all but one of my committee members is that my feelings are very normal, whatever they are, and that I'm supposed to feel weird. Apparently, it is universally weird when an ex-spouse remarries. So, what is underneath the weird, I wonder?

Am I jealous? Not of his girlfriend, for sure. I do not wish to be with Mr. Ex. I was married to him, I asked for a separation, we got a divorce, and I'm very glad we are not together anymore. Been there. Done that. I do think, however, that I might be envious of the fairy tale. I don't want the ring/proposal/wedding right now but I think I may want it all someday. Or maybe I wish I had it? Or maybe I want to want it someday....?

I know there is no competition. So, why do I feel like he won? I truly want him to be happy if for no other reason than his happiness will improve his dealings with me and prevent angry stuff with the kids. I truly believe our relationship ran its course, we outgrew each other, did everything possible to make it work before giving up, and are way both better off with other people. So, why the envy? Is it because he is remarrying first? Do I want to remarry? Ever?

I love Ken and, although I do not know what the future will bring (particularly if Obama doesn't win the election!), I feel loved, heard, and respected in my relationship. That is real.

It is also real, however, that we are not ready to live together much less remarry. And sometimes, when issues of politics and parenting come up (the double P dilemma), I wonder if we ever will. Don't worry. This will not be new information for Ken when he reads the blog. I am nothing if not a good sharer of my emotions.

I know that comparing my relationship with Ken with Mr. Ex's relationship with his fiance is comparing my insides to the outsides of someone else and that never works. It's not a valid comparison if you don't have equal amounts of information about the two things you're comparing.

Hey! I just realized that, after he remarries, I will become a First doing absolutely nothing. No application, no interview. That sounds very important doesn't it? There was a movie, too. First Wives Club. Do I get to join that club even if I don't want to break up his relationship? Are there club dues? Where are the meetings? Is there a secret handshake?


  1. It is weird. Your feelings seem quite normal.

  2. Apparently, remarriage is all the rage now:

  3. Wow- I would think Mr. Ex would tell you himself. Doesn't seem to be a good use of children.

  4. Agreed w/ anonymous. Not the mature thing to do... makes things more awkward.

    BTW, your feelings are more than valid. :)

  5. I know where you're coming from re: the "weird" feelings... Here I was so convinced that MY ex's relationship w/GF was going to crash & burn [horribly!], yet they're still together, lo these 10+ yrs later...
    [He says he'll never marry her though]