Monday, March 24, 2008

My Alarm This Morning

My beautiful little boy is all but trained to stay dry in underpants through the night. Usually between 11:00 p.m. and midnight, I carry him to the bathroom to have him get one last pee in before I go to bed. It's hysterical. He never actually wakes up all the way. When I lift the seat, pull down his jammie pants and stand him in front of the toilet, he just starts peeing. I think it has something to do with the cool air on his body.

Recently, during one of my bathroom walks, I pulled down his pants to discover that he had a little erection (something I had seen before but never during a bathroom walk). I did what I usually do and stood him in front of the toilet, expecting to see the stream of urine arc into the bowl. Well, since his penis was pointing in a difference direction than usual, the stream went in a different direction than usual. (This may seem obvious but, before Zane, my interactions with the male member were limited to the bedroom.) The pee coming from his erect penis sprayed on the wall, the ceiling, and on me, until I pushed his penis down to aim it into the bowl. Zane, who is being raised in an era of "good touch/bad touch," immediately began reprimanding me in his sleepy state: "Don't touch my penis. That's pwivate."

I started to defend my actions when I realized he would have no memory of this conversation. I let it go and figured that, if he brought it up the next day, I would explain that I only touched his "pwivates" to avoid having him urinate on me. It was self defense!

Well, last night I followed my usual routine. I walked him to the bathroom around 11pm, pulled down his Diego jammie bottoms, lifted the seat (something he forgets to do during the daytime which is just as unpleasant as when a grown man does it), and stood him in front of the bowl to pee. Which he did and I pulled up his pants and carried him back to bed, returning to the bathroom to wash my hands, of course. Don't get me started on a washing hands after going to the bathroom tangent!

Well, apparently, our bathroom walk didn't finish him off for the night. At some point well after midnight, he must have peed in his jammies, gone to the bathroom, peed some more, and removed his wet jammie pants, leaving them in a lump on the floor in front of the toilet. (I know this because the toilet was filled with urine this morning and the wet jammies were right where he dropped them.) Zane then climbed into bed with me, naked from the waist down. I, of course, didn't notice his lack of attire since I was sleeping and he must have gotten under the covers, rolled over and gone back to sleep.

If only he had stayed under the covers. At some point this morning, I think it was about 6:00 a.m.--it was definitely before my alarm was scheduled to go off, Zane kicked off the covers. If only he didn't get another erection. Lifelong lesbians and virgins may not know this but males of all ages often wake up to a tenting in the blankets. So, there he is: naked from the waist down, penis pointed high, and the cool air hits him. Can you guess what happened next?

I was sound asleep, dreaming of something nice and warm and pleasant, and all of a sudden a noise permeates my unconsciousness. It was the sound of liquid spraying something. Then, I opened my eyes and couldn't believe what I was seeing. Zane had an arc going that put the McDonalds arches to shame. The end of the yellow rainbow was a pile of papers on the floor about a foot or two away from my bed. The sound I heard was the sound of his pee hitting the pile. Thank God it was mostly old newspapers and magazines and not work documents. I screamed, threw the blanket over his midsection, and then carried him back to bed. At first it seemed like his feelings were hurt but I'm not sure if he was embarrassed by the peeing off my bed or if he had no idea why I was kicking him out. I may need to check back with him on that one. I didn't want to talk about it in front of Ruby this morning because she is totally capable of spreading his business all over town.

While writing this I realized that this is not the first time I've been awakened to almost the same sound! When my ex and I were first living together, we rented an apartment in a building that housed mostly partying students from Boston College. We lived on the top floor of the 4-story walk-up. During particularly raucous parties, people would go up to the roof and make a lot of noise. Well, one night I woke to the sound of splashing against our closed window. Thank God we had purchased an air conditioner so we had the window closed! I looked out the window to see a very drunk guy standing on the roof across the courtyard and aiming his urine arc at our window.

Ewwwwwwwwww! Boys are gross.

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