Monday, June 01, 2009

Monday Morning Musings

When I am ready to date again (and it's been suggested that I am DEFINITELY NOT ready), how many dates would I get with an entirely truthful person ad?

Divorced, 44-year-old woman, single mother of 2 children who have never had shy or quiet days in their entire lives--a fact I really appreciate but can be overwhelming to strangers. I no longer drive a car due to vision loss caused by Multiple Sclerosis. MS is not the telethon disease but it is on the books as chronic and progressive. Although I don't live my life that way, there is a chance it could attack any and all parts of my central nervous system.  There's also a chance you could be hit by a bus and paralyzed, but I'm guessing a bookie would give you better odds than she/he would on my potential disability. 

I've been told that I am quite pretty and consider myself attractive, too, but my body definitely shows wear and tear and my ample butt and thighs have ruined any chance of  a career as a bathing suit model.  I wiggle and shake what I have pretty well, on and off the dance floor, but I haven't seen single digit women's sizes in a while.  You will think I am gorgeous and will not hesitate to tell me this every time you see me. And mean it. Stinginess with compliments is not acceptable. I will tell you how much I enjoy looking at, touching, and being with you so you will need to do the same.

I am a very responsive and passionate lover (nuf said) and an awesome kisser. God help your dignity if you kiss me in front of the aforementioned exuberant children, though. They will hoot, holler, and mimic their limited TV exposure to make-out sessions. Before you ever get a chance to kiss me in front of them, though, you will be put through your paces, probably for your first 10 times seeing them, which is part of the reason you will not meet them until we are an exclusive item.

I am an independent, formerly freakishly-strong feminist looking  for a life partner who I will not have to ask to carry heavy stuff. You will understand how difficult it is for me to ask for help and will have the ability to read my mind and insist that I can't move one end of a sleeper sofa all by myself.

I find most of life very funny and you should share my sometimes warped sense of humor. Laugh at my jokes and make me laugh at yours and your attractiveness improves exponentially. 

I am writing a book of non-fiction essays based on a blog and incidents from my real life. If you are in my life, you will be in my blog and my book.  I will TRY REALLY HARD to respect your privacy but you should pick your battles if you want me to consider NOT writing about something. I won't share YOUR business unless it's also my business.  Capice?

You must like or at least silently tolerate Counting Crows and understand that Adam Duritz is on my list of 5 people that I could sleep with if given the opportunity. I doubt I will ever get that opportunity since he likes size O models and I tend to act like an idiot around famous people, but you should know where I stand on this issue. Other than this fictitious list of five, I am almost pathologically faithful. I do not cheat or lie and expect the same honesty and fidelity in return.

I don't like to go out every night but I do like to get dressed up now and then (one or two times a month unless I'm on vacation) and go out like a grown-up. You should be able to dance or at least fake it really well in a way that does not involve rolling around on the floor in some self-choreographed break dancing routine.

You should consider yourself handsome even if you're not. Confidence is very attractive. You should be liberal or liberal leaning and vote/contribute/volunteer in a way that shows how much you care about what happens to those less fortunate in our nation and the world. You should have some sense of spirituality. You don't have to believe in any particular God, but you can't BE God, if you know what I mean. 

You should have a full set of teeth, real or fake so I will not dread your smile. You should not be shy when naked (nuf said). You don't have to be a GQ model or even wear a suit every day but you should clean up well for the occasional wedding, funeral, or other event where a suit is considered appropriate attire.  You should own the suit and it should not be made out of corduroy or have "leisure" in front of it.

You should read. Obviously you should KNOW HOW to read, but you should also choose to read books for pleasure or self-improvement. You should like or not actively dislike NPR since I like to listen to it in the morning.

What do you think? Too much? Is he out there somewhere and will he be ready when I'm finally ready? Or will I grow old alone, surrounded by cats who will eat my dead flesh, and bat my bones around for fun?


  1. How humorous. You made me laugh out loud. I don't know, these are some pretty high standards but have faith.

  2. You are hilarious! I'd like to meet the man who'd have the brass ones to respond, though. Too bad none of your requirements are unreasonable ones, but I think you share your rules in dribs and drabs as you are making him fall in love with you.

    Lemme tell you a story...between the ages of 35-42 I had what could only be considered a dry spell. No flirts, no dates and (dear god) no nooky. At 42 I realized I was ready to put myself out there, but was so rusty I couldn't even attract a recently-paroled felon. Made a new girlfriend on my job and we started doing Happy Hours after work some. She wanted to introduce me to her friend Thad. I've always detested being set up but seriously it had been SEVEN YEARS. I agreed, the three of us went to a club, and Thad's friend Bo showed up (probably a prearranged appearance in case I was a mutt or something). Me and Bo have been together ever since.

    I share this because, stuff really does happen when you least expect it. Don't stop believing, Julie!

  3. Thanks for laughing and sharing, Kelli and Ann. I do believe (and believe others when I start to doubt it) that the Universe has big love for me when I'm ready. Love that is better than I've had. Love that wants a commitment with me. Life partner love mixed in with hot passion. ;-)

  4. I'm just going to put this out there because it is important. Pedophiles marry women with young children. Just sayin'.

    Meeting someone who is well known to your friends might be a good idea! Double-dating is a fine way to go - with no expectations.

  5. Thanks for your concern, Webster. I am an incredibly cautious and devoted mother. I have good instincts and would never even introduce someone to my children until I had been dating them exclusively for MONTHS. When I did online dating the last time I was single (which I am not even doing yet), I always talked to the guy on the phone first, met in a public place and told someone where I was going and with whom. Although marriage again someday would be nice, I would not take that very important step until I felt completely sure of the person and his fit in my family. My children ALWAYS come first and no man will change that. I certainly hope my post did not give anyone the impression that I am this hardup woman wondering around in a wedding gown looking for my next husband at any cost!
    Lazy Julie

  6. You always had a way with words. Great ad. I bet you'd get a great response.

  7. Frank - Ummmm....thanks...? You do know that was not a REAL ad, right? It was just a "let's be real on my blog and pretend I am ready for dating" sort of ad. I am so NOT ready and so NOT sharing every bit of my business with a stranger I want to date. But, wait a minute. If this fictitious man has my first and last name and does a Google search, I guess he will KNOW all my business anyway. Hmmmmmmm. Good think I decided not to take that part time job selling crack at the illegal poker game in my basement. ;-)

  8. Julie,
    If you changed a few details like age and number of children and add in that mine is also on the Autism Spectrum and left the Energizer Bunny in a heap, smoking and twitching, we could split the cost on the ad! ROFL. I really really want to poach it and use it for my own- my friends and family would pee themselves and swear it was true. :)

  9. It's great - I think you should post it!
    It made me laugh anyway - maybe I'd have avoided a lot of conflict in Marriage #2 if I had been so upfront & honest ;-)...
    "I am an independent, formerly freakishly-strong feminist looking for a life partner who I will not have to ask to carry heavy stuff. You will understand how difficult it is for me to ask for help and will have the ability to read my mind and insist that I can't move one end of a sleeper sofa all by myself." <= this especially resonates w/me, may I forward???