Monday, June 08, 2009

Hating the MS Today

I am feeling physically awesome. I'm back on the Rebif and go in tomorrow for my monthly solumedrol infusion (which always does wonders for my energy level). Although there are a couple new lesions, my neuro has decided that none of them are active so we can continue my current course of treatment.

So why the ill will to my illness? It has just occurred to me that my relationship may have ended because of the MS.

He's a good guy and would, no doubt, deny it. He may not even KNOW that that is the reason. I can't help thinking, though, that, when we talked about the future before I was diagnosed, he wanted to move in with me...someday. But, when we spoke about it a year and a half later, he was still not ready, couldn't guarantee that he would ever be ready, and wasn't even sure that's what he wanted anymore. Because I KNEW that's what I wanted and couldn't lie to myself or him about it, the relationship ended.

But was MS the root cause? Whether or not that's true, the relationship ended for a reason, I know. And, if he did break up with me because he was too scared to commit to someone with a chronic and POTENTIALLY progressive illness, then he is not the right guy for me. I know that.

I also know that he loved me, to the best of his ability. So, what does that mean for the next guy? I could choose to keep my MS a secret until I am sure that he is someone that I want to stick around. We fall in love and then SHABAM! When he finds out about the MS, he could drop me like a hot potato.

Or, I could be honest from the very beginning and disclose the MS on our first date just to rule out anyone who can't handle it. But then, he could see me as a damsel in distress; a sickly, defective, needy individual. I could end up with someone who wants to rescue me, or take care of me, instead of someone who sees me as a capable equal who does not NEED him but instead, chooses to share my life with him.

MS sucks and it should only be given to really awful people who are in steady relationships with a commitment for years and years and years. MS should be a disease that only inflicts really old, mean, married people who do not believe in divorce.

Ok. The funny thing is that I am still not dating...consciously, purposely. I am not looking. I am not putting out to the Universe that I want to date...but no one is exactly ASKING me out either. I am working on myself right now with my sponsor and my higher power.

So, what's the problem? I'm lonely and sad. I am missing the relationship and wishing things were different. Breaking up is hard to do but being the break-up-ee really, really sucks. I feel sad and powerless but also pissed and confused....and still sad.

Better to be pissed at MS, don't you think?


  1. I am so glad that my last relationship had already ended when I got my diagnosis. I think my ex had a serious problem with any type of "weakness" and had already seen me through numerous trips to the docs/hospitals that I now know were MS related. I can't imagine what it would be like to be with her now, going through all the weakness that this lovely disease brings each day.

    Course, I was very scared going on the first date with my partner and was determined not to tell her (or anyone else I was dating) until it had been going great for a while. Well, towards the middle of dinner on that first date she mentions her chronic stomach condition and that led right into my chronic nerve condition. There were a lot more things that connected us but that weight lifted off my shoulders made it easier for me to be myself. Good luck and get out there whenever YOU feel comfortable. It's always when you aren't looking that you get hit over the head anyways!!

  2. My boyfriend told me he had MS just over 1 month into our relationship, although I already knew because I had googled him and read a piece he had written about his diagnosis! Once I read this, I knew he would tell me when he was ready. I was not upset that he didn't tell me earlier - he told me when we both knew this was likely a long-term thing and once he felt comfortable enough.

    To be honest, I have read your blog and wondered a long time ago how comfortable your boyfriend was with MS and why you had not touched on that when you wrote about your breakup. Only he can say for sure what effect it had on him, but you might want to go back and read some of your past posts with this new perspective.

  3. I think I've read 50% of relationships fail after a diagnosis. I think this means you were one of the 50% and now you are due for a keeper. The next guy won't be deluded. Not deluded about you, but deluded that he'll never get ill. Everyone. gets. ill. I say find a guy with Type I diabetes or something else he knows how to cope with. And I feel sorry for your ex. He's missing out.

  4. there is someone for you julie. read the book the breakdown lane by jacquline mitchard. it touches on ms and the breakup of her marriage and her new love. the queen is right everyone gets ill. your ex isn't right for you and better you to find ut now before you may have actually needed him.. but i am sure you have heard all this before or told yourself this. it will all work out! i am rooting for ya!

  5. I know we've emailed back and forth about this stuff. I took a poll. Are you ready for this? Everyone said that they'd date someone with MS over someone with kids from a previous relationship (outside of one person who said they'd date someone with MS as long as the disease didn't "have" them---meaning wallowing in pity). I was shocked to hear that. I asked them why, and everyone said the same thing---MS isn't like it was 20 years ago. My poll was random and included men and women from all age groups---some with kids who are divorced.

    "The Queen" is right in the whole 50% of relationships fail after a diagnosis---I read that, too, and it scared me.

    And I agree that MS should only be given to horrible people. However, horrible people probably aren't going to leave an impression on society as us crazy type A people with MS.

  6. Thanks, everyone. I'm just going to keep doing all this self-care crap so when that other 50% guy comes along, I'll be ready. :-)

  7. Man, I am sorry to hear that. Luckily I have been with my girlfriend almost 3 years and she has been nothing but supportive since I was diagnosed in January. And get this, SHE was diagnosed with MS about 6 weeks ago! How crazy is that!