Monday, November 19, 2007

Do they make Depends thongs?

Dr. Pless told me I have to see a urologist. Don't ask. Well, I guess from my subject heading you don't NEED to ask. Although it is NOT the picture that Christina imagined (and told me until I laughed and then cried) with me making a puddle under my chair at work and people saying, "Oh, it's just Julie pissing herself again...she has MS, you know." I DO NOT LEAVE PUDDLES ANYWHERE....and let's hope I never do.

Why am I sharing this? Because this blog is the rough draft of my book and I want the book to tell the truth...the sometimes ugly but always real truth.

I am in a very negative place today. I'm tired of feeling this negative. But here I am so I am going to vent it. It's got to be better for me to get it out than to keep it in, right? And,'s my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

I avoid the woman at church who has MS because she's in a wheelchair and I don't want to imagine getting that bad.

When I went to the MS Society meeting on Friday night I wondered if the disorganization of the meeting is because of MS-related cognitive issues or just lack of structure.

When I told the MS Neurologist and the MS Nurse Practitioner who were supposed to be guest speakers but were never introduced that I had lesions on my thoracic spine, cervical spine, and brain, they both said, "ohhhhhh" like I needed pity. So, basically, I'm f&^%$# but lucky to be so f&^%$# in this place in the world and this time in history since there are so many disease modifying drugs.

I got an email from a friend today who is living in cohabitational, blended family bliss and I'm feeling alone and sorry for myself. I'm happy for her. And jealous.

I got another email from an old colleague who used to be a rocker and now travels to Africa and India to fight poverty and hunger. But he's still making music, too. I'm happy for him. And jealous.

Christina says that I can't Hallmark Card my way out of this one. The way is through, not around, and this is a diagnosis of MS, not a flat tire. Ya, ya. But what happens when I'M sick of my own complaining?

I've been falling asleep listening to a meditation tape every night. Although I have more patience with the kids and I feel more focused on work, my self talk sucks. Maybe after I fall asleep the voice says, "You suck!" and it's not just my negative attitude. I could be being brainwashed in my sleep!


  1. Julie-
    I feel your pain. Hang in there. I found out a long time ago the only things I like to do with the MS Society is the Wine Tasting and Beer Tasting in Providence. I have complained numerous times that the MS Society seems to be for people suffering with MS not Living with MS? When my father died donations were sent to the RI MS Society and I am sure it was in the thousands of dollars..... No letter of thanks..... They send out form letters and acknowledgements. I won't do that again. You have 2 Beautiful Children, a handsome boyfriend, a place to live and MS. It could always be worse. Hang in There and Count your Blessings. .......

    and no thong Depends....but I have to admit I have just never got the Thong thing!

    Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for such a great blog!

  2. Thanks, Tracey, for reading and commenting. I don't drink but I am definitely going to have to learn to take what I like and leave the rest if I want to continue attending these meetings. Or, I can schmooze everyone and then run for president the next time the office is open. First the MS Society chapter, next the world! :-) The president is a lovely woman--I'm just used to more structure.