Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Finding the Funny in Fear

I don't generally let fear rule my life. I've noticed some free-floating anxiety popping up lately. I'm venting it here in an attempt to flush the fears out of the darkness of my mind where they are in danger of festering and growing like a bad mold. So here they are, random, crazy projections and imaginings in no particular order:
  • My neurologist's office has canceled and rescheduled my appointment to discuss my latest MRI results two times already and now I'm not seeing him until October. What if my MS lesions have multiplied and/or grown in size and activity and the delay means that I do not start on a different/better treatment right away? What if the oral meds are not ready an/or the best fit for me and I have to switch to a med administered by intramuscular injection? What if we agree that it's time for Tysabri and I am one of the 1 in whatever who gets a fatal brain infection?
  • My GI doc and I believe that I am well enough to taper off the steroids used to treat my acute exacerbation of Ulcerative Colitis. I'm only doing it .5 mg. per week so it will take a little while. This is a good thing. I know it is. In passing, during our appointment yesterday, the doc mentioned that some people get depressed when they come off Prednisone because they liked the energy boost that the roids gave them. What if I lose the motivation that I've had since I've felt better? What if I start oversleeping every day? What if my feeling better is just a pharmacological side effect and not a true sign that my UC is in remission and that I'm doing such a good job taking care of myself? What if the really horrific symptoms come back? What if I get depressed but don't really recognize it as such until I am nutty and negative and unproductive?
  • What if I never, ever get around to editing my book and finding an agent and publisher and I die without ever publishing my book or even really trying? Will I be on my deathbed, watching my 65 cats circling my bony body and think, "Shit! I was supposed to be on Oprah and pick the actor who plays me in the movie version of Maybe I'm Just Lazy! Now I won't even get a mention on E! Entertainment's Where Are They Now? and people will think my children and grandchildren are lying when they tell people that their mother/grandmother wrote a book."
  • What if my eyesight continues to deteriorate and none of my friends tell me that I have visible facial hair and that I seem to have forgotten where the outline of my lips are located when applying lipstick?
  • What if this post inspires a whole bunch of unsolicited advice and platitudes about staying in the day, focusing on the positive, etc, etc. and the remnants of my roid rage result in me telling people what to do with their guidance, alienating me from everyone who cares about me and hastening my progression to living a pitiable life as a lonely cat lady with no social skills to get or keep friends?
That was fun. I feel better.


  1. Thanks!
    That was an awesome list! Helps me think thru my own situation. Progressive neurological disease is a very weird experience.
    A person can be so wrong about what they think...is it "right" of just seems that way?
    mikej77 Twitter

  2. What if I have to stay on this horrid medication I just started? Can I add my list to yours? =)

  3. who WOULD play you in your "based on the successful novel" movie?

  4. No platitudes from me, just understanding and a quick question. Why do people think they have to be so positive about a positively terrifing illness? Isn't it okay that we just feel what we feel, when we feel it, and then go on? Good for you, for sharing all sides of this illness

  5. 1) ask them to fax you a copy of the wriiten MRI report! At least that way you can focus your concern, wondering what at least half of the words mean. 2) How many cats do you have now?? LOL