I walked in the door, put on the kettle for tea, and sat in my oversized chair with my laptop to begin my day of working at home. First, I just felt a slight tingling and numbness in my right pinky. I tried to remember if I had gripped something really hard or cut off the circulation somehow. And then, a few minutes later, I felt a tingling and slight aching in my right hip and thigh. SH**!
So, what started out as a great day has turned into a POSSIBLE relapse/exacerbation watch. It may just be passing symptoms or it may be more. It's the end of the day now and the sensations are still there but slightly different. More achy than tingly now. I do not know or have any way of knowing if these symptoms are on their way in or just passing through on their way out. I just know that I am scared and pissed and that I'm trying to acknowledge those feelings but then let them go and stay calm.
Fear of relapse is a very dangerous thing because the stress can actually make symptoms worse. When you are afraid, you don't breathe as well, as deep or as often. Breathing is good. Having oxygen coming in is good for the blood and the brain, and, I suspect, for the immune system, as well.
Anger, while a lot more comfortable than free-flowing fear, is no good if you don't have a target. I can't blame myself for what is going on because I did NOTHING to cause it. I have been active (dancing and hiking last weekend), eating really well (almost 4 weeks with no sugar), sleeping well (8 hours a night), doing yoga, meditating, praying, etc., etc. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing so it is NOT FAIR that I am having these symptoms. So, I can't be pissed at myself. I mean, I could, but I won't.
So, who? God? Well, my definition of a Higher Power is a loving powerful force that can certainly take it. But for what? For having MS? Well, that's nothing new. I had MS this morning before I noticed the tingling at about 8:30am. I had MS when I was feeling like life was great. And, I still have MS. If I'm going to only feel grateful when things are going my way, that doesn't seem quite right.
So, I'm going to wait and see and think about what this experience is teaching me. Happy Day #2 of MS Awareness Week to me.
You'll never find a better sparring partner than adversity. ~Walt Schmidt
Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course. ~William Shakespeare
There is no education like adversity. ~Disraeli