Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Day 2 of MS Awarness Week

My day started out beautifully. I woke up early enough to take a shower, do a Sun Salutation pose, get dressed in actual clothing (as opposed to modified jammies), feed my children breakfast, pack their lunches, and walk them to school. It was just too nice of a day, sunny and already almost 50 degrees by 8:00 a.m. (which may sound cold but it was lovely!). On the mile walk back, I put my iPod ear buds in, cranked up Michael Buble and imagined a romantic dinner and dancing date like in some Frank Sinatra movie. I pumped my arms as I power walked home, thinking, "Wow! Life is good. The weather is fantastic and I feel great. Today is going to be a very good day."

I walked in the door, put on the kettle for tea, and sat in my oversized chair with my laptop to begin my day of working at home. First, I just felt a slight tingling and numbness in my right pinky. I tried to remember if I had gripped something really hard or cut off the circulation somehow. And then, a few minutes later, I felt a tingling and slight aching in my right hip and thigh. SH**!

So, what started out as a great day has turned into a POSSIBLE relapse/exacerbation watch. It may just be passing symptoms or it may be more. It's the end of the day now and the sensations are still there but slightly different. More achy than tingly now. I do not know or have any way of knowing if these symptoms are on their way in or just passing through on their way out. I just know that I am scared and pissed and that I'm trying to acknowledge those feelings but then let them go and stay calm.

Fear of relapse is a very dangerous thing because the stress can actually make symptoms worse. When you are afraid, you don't breathe as well, as deep or as often. Breathing is good. Having oxygen coming in is good for the blood and the brain, and, I suspect, for the immune system, as well.

Anger, while a lot more comfortable than free-flowing fear, is no good if you don't have a target. I can't blame myself for what is going on because I did NOTHING to cause it. I have been active (dancing and hiking last weekend), eating really well (almost 4 weeks with no sugar), sleeping well (8 hours a night), doing yoga, meditating, praying, etc., etc. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing so it is NOT FAIR that I am having these symptoms. So, I can't be pissed at myself.  I mean, I could, but I won't.

So, who? God? Well, my definition of a Higher Power is a loving powerful force that can certainly take it. But for what? For having MS? Well, that's nothing new. I had MS this morning before I noticed the tingling at about 8:30am. I had MS when I was feeling like life was great. And, I still have MS. If I'm going to only feel grateful when things are going my way, that doesn't seem quite right.

So, I'm going to wait and see and think about what this experience is teaching me. Happy Day #2 of MS Awareness Week to me.

Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution.  If you don't have any problems, you don't get any seeds.
~Norman Vincent Peale

 Prosperity is not without many fears and distastes, and adversity is not without comforts and hopes.  ~Francis Bacon

You'll never find a better sparring partner than adversity.  ~Walt Schmidt

The problem is not that there are problems.  The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.  ~Theodore Rubin

There are times in everyone's life when something constructive is born out of adversity... when things seem so bad that you've got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it.  ~Author Unknown

 Problems are the price you pay for progress.  ~Branch Rickey
When you're feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best.  ~Leslie Grossman

Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course.  ~William Shakespeare

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.... [A]ccept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.... ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.  ~Frank A. Clark 

There is no education like adversity.  ~Disraeli

When written in Chinese the word "crisis" is composed of two characters - one represents danger and the other represents opportunity.  ~John F. Kennedy 

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.  ~African Proverb

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